AUTHORS UPDATED NOTE: I actually wrote this about a month ago. I was going through a lot. reading it now, i still feel many of these things. i decided to put it up even though its old, just because it might help somebody else. It helped me out a lot, writing all of these things out. but things have changed, and little by little they are getting better...i hope.
i have been absent lately i know. A lot has happened to me emotionally and physically. I decided to put fashion on hold for a second, and discuss something that had been in my head for quite sometime.
I've always held my close friends to the highest regard. I consider them part of my family. I love them and care for them the way a sister or a brother could. I love to know their families and be trusted with their secrets and faults, and watch them grow with me and learn lessons.
Me as a person, i can be a bit over bearing. I care too much. And if a friend is hurt, or doing something unhealthy or even angry about something, i always want to be there. it doesn't matter if the problem is me, i will still be there. When i mother hen someone, i don't mean to be condescending and arrogant, i mean to be caring and uplifting. I would never want someone to feel like i am speaking down to them or making them feel less. I would never do that to a friend.
Lately, i feel split with my emotions, i feel alone, i feel sad and lastly i feel like I'm losing a silent battle. I know i can be a bitch, i can be tough, hell, i sometimes can be heartless. But when it comes to someone i love, i am very sensitive. I care deeply. A person that I love in my life has a part of my heart and is deeply rooted into my emotions. I cannot stop that from happening. It is impossible.
Sadly, there are times when someone in my close knit group of family decides he or she does not want to be there. It hurts. Badly. But it is something i must accept. Sometimes i am too much for someone (or vice versa) and we cannot be friends. Its sad, and it fucking hurts, and its heartbreaking. But i must accept it. I must.
I am having a hard time with it right now. And i am sad. I am very very sad. Because i can see the end of something and i don't want to. I can no longer avoid it. It is right in my face with a big neon sign saying "DEAL WITH THIS FINALLY" and now i guess i have to.
What makes me even more sad is that i know in my heart (though i do not want to admit it) that I no longer want to fight for it anymore. I have given up, heart and soul. And thats something i have never felt. I do not even feel angry, i just feel sadness. and alone.
But i must be strong, because shit happens, life changes, friends leave, people break your heart and sometimes you get fucked over.
No matter how much i want to lie to myself and say i am at the same level, i can't. I have moved on, i am older. I have responsibilities and ambition to move forward and leave where i am. I am not stuck, I will not fail. I will be who i want to be. And at this point thats all i can say to myself.
Im sorry you thought i meant you harm, or jealously or you thought i was being arrogant. Im sorry you don't appreciate me here or like that i care. I'm sorry that i am not what you want me to be. But i will not change for you. I am who i am. and because of that i feel we must part soon.
